Nancy Gosse ~ Journey of Truth

Under continuous evolution as I learn more ...

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Sunday, January 25, 2015

Honouring your soul

Today I did it. I sat in front of my computer and started writing again after years of feeling my well run dry and choosing repeatedly to not write because that little voice inside my head kept convincing me there's no point. I believed it when it told me I wasn't good enough, or smart enough, or brilliant enough to share anything that people actually wanted to read. More than that, it kept dangling my aspirations and desires in front of me to taunt me with it; to show me how lame and silly those dreams were. I believed that voice; the trickster otherwise known as ego. It took my inspirations and twisted them so much that I didn't recognize myself in them anymore and once again found myself seeing through eyes of disgrace. The beautiful baubles of perceived success in the world had tempted me time and time again only to leave me in the dust. The more I had people around me pointing out the obviousness of my potential, the more I felt like a fraud. I was scrambling over the hurdles of ego in an ever-increasing mountain of disordered living. One look around my living space would have been a testament to the state of my mind. While outward appearances showed a lovely welcome, my junk drawers were growing. The lessons from "The Leaping Jade" had not yet come to full fruition.

I allowed my ego to erode my dedication and trust to seek the instant gratification and pay off that ego was seeking, not the ultimate prize of peace that I was seeking. I simply grew tired of battling with the onslaught of lessons and invasions of the little ego armies that created the dramas of day to day life. Thank God I had at least enough resolve to be loving to myself to leave a job that was bombarding me with negativity, even though the fear was still at play for where that income was going to come from still hovered around me. I succumbed and allowed myself to move into it just enough to not lose myself completely. As I looked around my life, I saw that although I have evolved and carry such deep love and light, there is the outward demonstrations of just how disordered my mind was again becoming. Somehow in spite of knowing better, I had accepted my lot of being employed in a job that did not nourish me except to guarantee an income to pay the bills, and which as a result, zapped me of some internal drive to express my inspirations. It was safe in its own ego-twisted way.

I rejoiced when my partner was offered a job to go work in India because it affirmed for me that the energy of the universe was supporting our growth and opening up a channel of new possibilities. It was like the whispers I had been hearing were being affirmed, and it helped me feel strong in choosing Spirit again. Even as I felt the emotions of being separated from her physically, and knowing that it would be a challenge to live separate lives for so long, most of me embraced the excitement for the tides of change and fresh air that was being breathed into this space. I started re-arranging the house, completely gutted the old healing room space and started a process of purging emotionally, physically and spiritually. Voila, a new healing room space was birthed. Even as I started painting the first few coats on the walls, I felt something lift from me and became instantly filled with Spirit. For the first time, I could see in my mind's eye how the vision I had seen in one of meditations would become a mural on the wall in this new space and would serve to amplify the healing energies of my work with Inceptional Soul Services. Slowly, my eyes are clearing and my ears are less clouded with the cries of ego. Instead, I am again responding to the whispers of Spirit that has been calling me to remembrance.

I have often referred to this journey as a roller coaster. That is exactly what it is when we listen to ego. There have been moments when I felt completely elated and exalted by my awakening of Spirit. I was able to stand by my convictions and choose love over fear, only to feel the instant wave of fears rolling over me again to fill that lovely space of light I had allowed in. Ego is a crafty and stubborn little squirt that very successfully led me to choose it over and over again instead of going directly to God where my Radiance rests and my true self sits quietly in the place of peace. I know somewhere that I (Spirit Self) am shining brightly while the little "I" ( ego self) runs rampant in my mind, it took a conversation with a dear friend to show me the path. It got me thinking. "How have I been honoring my soul?" As I sat there crying and feeling something release from deep inside me, I was aware of a mixture of feelings; shame, anger, relief, sadness, hope, dread,and so much judgement. It felt good to cry because like many healer types who keep their emotions 'in check' or balance (or so many of us think), the time had come when I needed to succumb to the mix of human emotion and give it all over to God. If it isn't expressed and released, it sits like a molten lead inside of us slowly eating away at our soul and our soul becomes all the more weary for trying to keep us in check.

I have felt it for a long time; that slow wearing away and eroding of the confidence and trust in Higher Self. Even as I admit my mistrust, I feel shame. Even though I knew the difference, I still chose ego over Spirit because somewhere in me I am still unwilling to allow pure love to come in because it will crush me. That is, it will crush the little "I" that has been so valued all this time and without that, I know nothing of who I am UNLESS I surrender completely to God. That's the clincher right there. It is revealed to me that I value the muck and mire of my own creations more than I value God's vision for me. How could I have let this happen? How could I have drifted so far from a place of absolute trust and recognition of that Divine Spark to have gone to a place of feeling so discouraged and beaten? I know this didn't come suddenly. It is the result of a long road of tiny little allowances and excuses.

Yesterday, and every day that is to come I choose God. I choose to remember who I am, whatever it takes. "Whatever it takes" was my mantra all those years ago when I finally turned a corner and unleashed the shackles from a life I had been living in which I willingly bore the crosses of shame, worthlessness, and despair. I stepped out into the light of Spirit and remembered my brilliance. It was from that brilliance that I finally had the courage to publish the story of my awakening, Obscurity in Your Face, to start this blog, and begin putting it out there to share my gifts with the world. The vision for my life's work was revealed. I tapped into my courage, my strength, my conviction, and stood tall in the recognition of my beauty as a Divine Creation. Over time, my ego very craftily seeped back in and cast me back into the dream. I was blinded again, thinking that I was living such a spiritual life only to have it revealed once again that I am operating from the ego mind. Stepping back from the ego mind I can see that I did not in fact go back. "Miracles are both beginnings and endings, and so they alter the temporal order. They are always affirmations of rebirth, which seem to go back but really go forward. They undo the past in the present, and thus release the future". (ACIM ch.1,I.13)

Still, there is that quiet whisper of HOME; that sweet, tantalizing essence of Divine that even in it's softness and stillness carries great power. I sit back in my seat giving myself permission to be honest. Yes, I am sometimes selfish, sometimes ungrateful, sometimes arrogant, and sometimes a big mixture of my own creations of meaninglessness. In seeing this, I allow myself to see that in spite of all those "meaningless thoughts that are showing me a meaningless world" (ACIM, lesson 11), "God did not create a meaningless world" (ACIM lesson 14). God did not create me to be meaningless. In my Divinity, I have attracted great things. I have a a warm and welcoming home that my partner, soon to be 'wife', and I have created together from our intentions to lead us into a Holy Relationship. We have friends and family who cherish the miracles of Spirit, three lovely little fur baby felines that give endless affection as well as serving as teachers, and a life, in general, that is continuously supplied with loving presence. This little side trip was nothing more than part of the journey of undoing the structures of the meaningless world that my ego self had created and from this undoing I can now see the abundant blessings before me.

If I give anything to those around me, as I also give to myself, let it be the miracle. "Miracles honor you because you are loveable. They dispel illusions about yourself and perceive the light in you. They thus atone for your errors by freeing you from your nightmares. By releasing your mind from the imprisonment of your illusions, they restore your sanity" (ACIM Ch.1,I.33)


snapshots of my recent journey

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