Nancy Gosse ~ Journey of Truth

Under continuous evolution as I learn more ...




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Saturday, March 16, 2013

The leaping jade

I was working on a web page tonight for my book, Obscurity In Your Face. I figured it was high time to listen to that urging inside me that had been asking me to do this for a long time. Funny part was, I used to have a web page for the book but at the time something about it didn't feel quite right, so I dismantled it, saved a bunch of information from it and somewhere in the back of my mind, thought that one day I'll revise it. As I started piecing together this new web page, I kept encountering snags. For some reason the cursor kept jumping all over the page and wouldn't land at the text where I wanted to do some editing. It would keep jumping to the bottom of the page. I started getting very frustrated. A couple of times, just when I thought I had finally managed to successfully edit the text, the cursor would take a leap again and I'd lose the editing I'd just done. Okay, to it's credit, it did make me realize that the text I was placing on this particular page was more suited to a different area, so I then created a new page and copied and pasted some of what I had been working on. Yikes! This time I lost the editing completely and had to start from scratch again. By this point, I had started to mutter and breathe deep sighs of aggravation. It wasn't clear to me at the time, but the little cursor jumping all over the page was a mirror of how I had been approaching life lately. How often have I found myself trying to rush things through without giving full attention to ensuring each was step was properly completed? The little cursor on the screen was merely demonstrating by extension what I have been projecting in my energy and intention. Instead of being attentive to the moment and properly exploring how how I needed to integrate this step or this piece of information, I had simply held on to the jot note and added it to the growing pile of useful information for future reference.

Like the cursor, I was flitting ahead without allowing proper editing. This is very evident in the rubbermaid bins of my 'stuff' that I continually get aggravated with when I have to dig through it to retrieve something I need. I'll get to that point in a moment. Lisa, my partner, had been witnessing my frustration and came up behind me to wrap her arms around me and say so gently, "just relax and be mindful of what kind of energy you're putting into this. Remember loving intent because if you get frustrated, that's the result you're getting". I instantly wanted to deck her! But in spite of myself, I couldn't help but feel a smile creep up and a little joy bubbling to the surface. With a chuckle and expression of gratitude for the reminder, I drew in my breath and carried on. Again the frustration kicked in with trying to get the web page elements into place. They seemed to not want to cooperate and go where I was trying to put them. This time, thanks to the reminder from Lisa, I was at least able to slow myself down and take a more gentle approach. I finally manage to set up the element the way I wanted. Then all I needed was to retrieve the data that I had filed away somewhere. Resigned to the fact that the original clips from my previous web page were not to be found, I had to dive into my rubbermaid bin of 'stuff'.

I'm sure you must be curious about this bin. Well, here it is. Over the past year, as I have been slowly organizing and re-organizing the room in my home that is designated as my healing room, I have been struggling to find the balance for the shared use of this space. You see, it isn't just my healing room; I also have to use it as a semi-office space and living space. As a result of having not figured out how to organize everything that would be contained in a filing cabinet, I have tended to put things into these two rubbermaid bins "to deal with later". Clearly, the stuff contained in there is important enough that I have seen a need to hold unto it, because more often than not, a very useful application for these items does arise. The problem is, however, that I have tossed them into this bin instead of properly filing them away. I now have this pile of 'stuff' that I have to dig through every time to search for something that I know I put away somewhere.
So there I was digging through this mass of 'stuff' when the ugly head of frustration popped up again. This time, it crossed the threshold to become anger. Inside my head I began spewing off all these accusations against myself for being so bloody disorganized! "I'm so fucking sick of digging through this disorganized crap!" "Why the hell do I allow it to get so out of hand?" "You should have had this organized better long ago when you said you needed to get it done!" The significance of all this isn't lost on me even as I am in the midst of it. Like the cursor jumping through the text, not allowing the proper editing to happen, just in too much of a hurry to get to the end, I have been stowing away the pieces of data that I know are important, but have been too unfocused to properly process it and help it find its place before rushing into the next step. What does the bin represent if not my collective unconscious clutter that has not been properly, and mindfully, attended to in order to allow the smooth and integrated transition into the bigger project? I'm literally digging through my 'stuff' and fully aware that it ended up in this state precisely because I hadn't wanted to deal with it. But I have to!

As I felt the pile of stuff in my hand starting to slip, I sensed the anger breaking. I knew what was about to happen but was helpless to stop it. The lid fell sideways knocking into the small bookshelf, and then in a flash, I see the tiny jade plant in its terra cotta pot take a leap unto the floor and crash, sending dirt flying everywhere. "FUCK", is all I could muster in response! It seemed the only apt summary of how I was feeling in that moment. Lisa came immediately with broom and dustbin in hand to start sweeping up the mess. Without much comment, just calm presence and knowing smile, she sets about helping me clean up my mess. I go to get a replacement pot and new soil for my little jade. In only a few seconds I realize the significance of what just happened, and start to giggle. The little jade must have felt the energy building, recognizing that whether I like it or not, I have to deal with my 'stuff' or it's going to crash in a mess around me. As much as I appreciate Lisa's willingness to be there to help and support me, I point out to her that it's my mess and not her place to have to rush in and help me clean it up. She instantly understood the significance of this. "You're right" she says, "why am I trying to clean up your mess? You deal with it!" With that she handed me the dustpan and I proceed to clean up.

As I tucked my little jade into its new home with fresh soil and a bigger pot, it again serves me up a dose of wisdom. I offered it gratitude for showing me that once I confront my mess and take the leap that is seemingly so scary, it results in a fresh pot of soil and a bigger pot with room to grow.
Also no coincidence, I am sure, is that as I was trying to write all this down with a pen bearing the logo of my current employer, the pen ran out of ink. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I do believe in synchronicities, from the tiniest to the grandest. Only a few weeks ago I had made a decision to resign from my job with this organization. It is in the same stream of consciousness that the tiny jade decided to leap off the shelf; mind you, it did have a little help with receiving the nudge to make it go. I recognize that the universe has given me numerous nudges before I finally trusted in the realization that this 'pot' where I was planted wasn't giving me room to grow. I need fresh soil, and now that I've taken the leap, I am smiling. It's time to tackle that rubbermaid bin!

2 comments:

Mahendra Patel November 6, 2013 at 8:46 PM  

I was in Chicago working in Engineering firm on Michigan 222 South Michigan avenue. I used to visit in lunch time a catholic store books right across the street, books were all bout Christian saints and religion run by Nuns.

One day I was reading a book title Fire in the bally, once
I get into interesting portion of the book and was absorbed into it
all off sudden one self fall off with all books on floor about same time back of book store small fire broke off, I knew there was no accident and it has to do with my in the book I was reading. because in past It happened several times in regular book store of regular publishing houses. Some times a single book fall of on floor and I knew I had to read it.

Mahendra Patel November 6, 2013 at 8:57 PM  

YES, there are rhyme and reasons
nature send massages you and shape you for both to make you whole and at the same time a useful contributor to the society we live in.

When time is right I will contribute to your work which will be a male perspective

By the way I was intrigued when I saw The word I have to type prove I am not robot is "7 C ties MT"
They Used to call me by Initial MT to differentiate between my relative in laws with same first name Mahendra, Seven Number I normally associate with Seven Chakras in the Body- "C TIES"- See Ties Time will tell, but Hint is a Positive for sure

snapshots of my recent journey

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