Nancy Gosse ~ Journey of Truth

Under continuous evolution as I learn more ...

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Friday, May 28, 2010

The drum stays

Today I went to the Buy and Sell shop to pawn off some musical instruments that I have been carting around. I had held unto these things because of some stern voice I had adopted inside of myself telling me that I needed to learn to use these. Mostly, I had brought them into my life because of some expectation that in order to fully express my spirit I had to allow music to flow through me. I suppose I expected a miracle; that one day I would just magically and by sheer wishful thinking begin to produce beautiful music with these instruments and be an inspirational muse for those who never expressed their music.

It never happened. Instead, the guitar and drum sat in a corner of my room where it constantly reminded me of those things that I knew in my heart I would never really embrace. It served almost as a punishment to me; a raw reminder of those things in life that I continued to wear around my neck to weigh me down with guilt for what I am supposed to do or supposed to be. It is showing me the importance of really listening inside my heart for what I am authentically inspired to follow. In actual fact, if I listened carefully in my heart, I would hear that I was not guided by these instruments at all and that I was trying to force something that my ego mind had attached meaning to.

Interestingly, the guitar and hand drum passed over easily into the hands of the buyer, getting me a better price than I expected. The beautiful olive wood drum, however, seems determined to stay with me. This drum belonged to my ex-girlfriend. It seemed to be an extension of her and it sang beautifully when she played it. I joked with people about it being gifted to me as a settlement in our break-up. In truth, I just simply loved the drum. It carries an energy that I cannot put into words but when I hold it in my hands, it seems to transport me through time and into other dimensions. It seems to breathe a life all on its own. I haven't been able to bring myself to connect with it because I didn't want to still be connected to the energy of my ex. I realize that I haven't resolved the emotions around what it represents. It is symbolic of a time in my life when I was opening up to trust and to allow my heart to be free and express; a time when I felt betrayed after having opened up. So I suppose the universe is interjecting to ensure that this drum serves me to heal the past.

I found myself deciding to get rid of this drum mostly because a very close friend once told me that he felt this drum carried an evil presence; that it was attached to some powerful energy that had the ability to open up dimensional borders between worlds. I can't help but wonder if this energy contributed to my friend cutting me out of his life without explanation. Is it possible that the energy of this drum has introduced sabotaging energy into my space? That's the seed of doubt that was planted by my friend and which I willingly allowed to take seed in my brain. Since he told me that, I find myself experiencing little whisperings of doubt and uncomfortableness and started to blame all the things that were going wrong around me on the evil presence of this drum.

The drum reminds me of the past, and that's why I wanted to cast it out in order to start fresh. It is for that very same reason that I believe the drum is not easily leaving me and cannot be pawned. The universe is guiding this drum to stay in my presence because it is only in being present with my emotions and attachments that I will truly heal the past. This drum isn't evil. It merely serves as a mirror to my own shadows and the longer I try to push my shadows aside, the more sbbotaging my own space becomes.

So after several attempts to sell the drum and even to pawn it off, I realize that Universal Guidance is showing me that this drum belongs with me. It is my opportunity to heal and that healing will come by opening my heart, my arms and embracing this drum; embracing the emotions of the past and loving it in a way that releases the attachments and frees both us. This drum is an extension of the heartspace of all humanity and by allowing myself to connect with it, I am free.

Today, the drum emerges from it case and will no longer sit in a corner; shoved away as some evil thorn in my side. It will sit in the space I occupy and support me in healing my emotions.


snapshots of my recent journey

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