Nancy Gosse ~ Journey of Truth

Under continuous evolution as I learn more ...

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Monday, February 22, 2010

A Tale Told by an Idiot

I am angry. For the first time in a really long while I am able to say honestly that I am angry. I have spent most of my life trying to keep my anger at bay and smooth over the waters of the emotional world so that everyone around me felt better about how things appeared. Meanwhile, I sucked it up and absorbed all the shock waves of everything that was not allowed to be expressed. Yup, I am angry.

I am angry for every time I had to push my feelings aside. I am angry for every time someone hushed me and told me to not be so silly. I am angry for every time I was made to feel stupid. I am angry for every time I allowed my own thoughts and ideas to be shoved to the back and for every time my ideas got expressed through someone else and they received the glory for it. I am angry at me for having allowed all this to happen. I am angry with myself for meekly and quietly standing on the sidelines letting life pass me by while others had all the fun. I am angry for forgetting my truth.

As I allow my inward rage to come to the surface and for the first time in my life allow myself to be completely and brutally honest about how flippen' ticked off I am at the world that lives in denial, I am remembering Macbeth. Perhaps I ought to have clued in to the message when I sat in my literature class in high school listening to a reading from Act 5, Scene 5 when Macbeth speaks,

"Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
creeps in this pretty pace from day to day
to the last syllable of recorded time,
and all our yesterdays have lighted fools
the way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
that struts and frets his hour upon the stage
and then is heard no more; it is a tale
told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
signifying nothing".

And so in my angry tirade, I start to clue in a little about how I have lived my life as an idiot. I have allowed myself to be tossed about by the influence and judgements and expectations of others instead of listening to my own voice. So much so that I have come to fear the sound of my own voice and fear my own anger. I begin to feel upset when people keep asking me to repeat myself because they can't hear what I am saying. I am suddenly wanting to shout and scream for all those times that I wouldn't allow myself to be heard, and I am not caring so much about what I say or how I say it, so long as I actually speak!

So where's this coming from you might ask? Why is someone who always seems so calm and graceful and sensitive suddenly ranting like a banshee? Well, I'm sick of the way I am operating in this world. I am sick of the way I have felt tossed about in this world. And the world innocently giggles and takes no responsibility for what it is doing. Well, some of you who know me are probably saying right about now, that eureka, she's finally starting to realize how SHE hasn't taken responsibility for her own life. Perhaps you are right my dear Watson! I am starting to clue in to the fact that while I am busy letting my anger and resentment build, I have been looking into a mirror held confidently by Spirit to show me exactly who I am not, and has waited patiently for me to stop strutting about like an idiot on my self-prescribed stage of life.

As the ripple of concern sweeps through humanity about the world ending in 2012, my anger serves as a sign post that yes, absolutely the world will end. But it is a world of the sound and fury of a raving idiot strutting about on a stage that isn't real. I know I am not alone in this world feeling like I have been duped by my own life, duped into believing in certain things only to find out that I have been playing the fool. The world is cluing in to the fact that we have all been strutting about in feathers that are nothing more than a cover-up for what is really going on in the hearts and minds of humanity.

My friend Stefanie always used to tell me "keep your eye on the prize" and that served as my beacon and my guidepost, until I started to feel that the prize was being dangled in front me always slightly out of reach. Then I started to feel bitter and angry for being denied the prize. So, over the past few years I have been busy scrambling about with the rehearsal of roles that I thought were supposed to result in my prize and when it didn't come, I grew weary, resentful, and very depressed. Even for all the hard work and effort I have put into continuing to trust and continuing to hold the vision, still I hadn't allowed myself to be truthful with the anger I was really feeling because I was afraid that Spirit would turn on me. You see, to deny the anger and try to operate solely on a facade of light and lovliness is just as much a denial as living in darkness of ego.

So now I let the beast free! I rant and rave and allow myself to admit it...I have anger! You see the difference... I HAVE anger, I am having the experience of anger...not I 'am' anger. No, anger is just an emotion...a fluid, transient emotion that does not define who we are. So it's okay to allow it to flow through as long as we don't let it define us. The sound and fury that comes through the experience of our life will only signify nothing as long as we continue to try to uphold the empty promises of what we have created inside our own minds of what we are supposed to be, or supposed to do in order to be good enough. The true prize is in letting go of that and simply enjoy our seat in the audience of life, recognizing that our seats are already paid for so all we have to do is reach out our hand and welcome one another in enjoying the experience together.

A lot of my anger came from holding unto the belief that it was my duty and my responsibility to heal the world. Being born into this world as an Indigo Child, I carried a great deal of karmic energy and wisdom from other lifetimes. In my family, I felt that because of this karma, I was the one who had to hold all the energy of unsettledness and turmoil in order for things to not fall completely apart. And so in my stoic role, I held in my own voice, stifled my own emotions, and created a massive ball of knarled roots of unhealed emotion which then got projected outward on the world to create all the struggles I have had with relationships and money problems... never feeling good enough, or worthy enough, and feeling that it was my job and so I couldn't let my guard down even for an instant to allow what I was believing to be weakness. In allowing my anger to let go, I was able to also let go of the sense of responsibility for everyone else. I don't have to carry this massive weight. All I need to do is love myself enough to enjoy the gift life has given me.

So am I really an idiot strutting upon the stage of life? Perhaps not. I am merely a spiritual presence having a human experience of forgetting that Spirit's only request of us is to be the love that we are.


snapshots of my recent journey

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