Nancy Gosse ~ Journey of Truth

Under continuous evolution as I learn more ...




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Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Full Circle Journey

You know how sometimes you go through life with some brilliant goals and get pumped up on hopes and expectations on how those goals are going to be met? Then one day, it seems you get knocked back on your kiester and you're left shaking your head wondering what the heck just happened?! You look around and it seems that you have landed right back where you started from.

Day before yesterday I arrived back to my temporary home after having spent 9 glorious days in the company of my Beloved. Although we were spending our days in the bliss of normal everyday and what some might call, boring, routines... it was heaven sent. It showed me clearly what is truly important in the daily exchanges and appreciation for the simple life. As I moved through the graceful flow of exchange between us, I became very aware of how I perceived myself in relation to her and how I perceived my capability and ability to be fully engaged in an ordinary but extraordinarily loving relationship. I connected to that space within me that recognized that all I truly wanted in life was to love and be loved...to give and to receive in a beautiful exchange. I was shown how easily I could have love without having to compromise my goals for expressing my work and my creativity...that they go hand in hand quite nicely. It was easy just to be... to smile, to laugh, to goof off, to have the serious talks about enlightenment and higher consciousness.

Then, having to leave my Beloved behind to return to my life here, I walked into a space that felt so completely devoid of any purpose for me. I was slapped in the face with a healthy dose of reality and a reminder of what is required of me in creating the kind of life I truly desire. It was a gift from heaven to be able to experience the reality of what my heart's desire looks like and feels like... and then to step back into what I have currently been creating is a mental check for me to get my bearing adjusted to chart my course directly to what I want.

Stepping into my space, which now felt so empty and cold without my Beloved, I threw a hissy-fit, and for a moment I allowed my ego to run amok in my brain telling me all the ways I had become useless and unfit for relationship. I allowed the child in me to sulk and moan and groan about having to leave my girl behind and about having to be in this place...alone...again! Darn it! I want my life!!!

Okay, phew...with that out of my system, I was able to once again get back to my bearings and realize the blessing in where I am. I do have my life, and that is exactly why I am experiencing this 'birthing pain' into my new found complete self. Any resistance I had felt to what I was trying to create has become very clear to me now. Good, now I know what I have to do.

My friends and family have been ever so gently pointing out the obvious need to get my act together...it's all fine and good that I have this 'calling' for my spiritual path but I have missed the boat (in some respects) on the true meaning of that calling. I feel very much like the boy in "The Alchemist" who traveled far and wide in search of meaning for his life only to be directed back to the very place where he sat under a tree dreaming of what was out there. So here I am once again living in a very similar situation that I bailed out of about 4 and half years ago...even looking at the prospect of returning to work in the very place where my spiritual journey started. It's actually very comforting to realize how much my heart is fuller by embracing this place instead of trying to get away from it. There is something very beautiful about returning like the prodigal daughter to the very space I was born out of. How's that for coming full circle?!

I am feeling like I am in the birth canal of my new life...detached from where I had been nested, but not quite expelled from it yet...seeing the source of light that is drawing me closer, knowing that I am entering into a brilliant new way of living and being... but I am in the birthing contractions, not quite ready to burst forth...but I am reaching out for it, ready for it, accepting it... I am coming full circle from the place I started, transformed into someone stronger, wiser, smarter, ...to enter once again into the place where I started. The difference now is that I can see it all with a clearer picture and a deeper appreciation for my life as it is. I no longer have to sit under a tree yearning for something that I perceive is out there somewhere. I now know that it is here already.

So...keep writing and expressing my truth...get a job! Make some money! square off my debts and quit bellyaching about all my mistakes! There are no mistakes, only opportunities to be wiser next time around...Onward McDuff!!!

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