Nancy Gosse ~ Journey of Truth

Under continuous evolution as I learn more ...

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Monday, February 9, 2015

Reflections of the Journey

I suppose a writer always delves into his or her own past for insight and reflection to inspire the creative juices to flow again. Today I sat for hours reading through old journals remembering the past, crying again for the hurts, smiling for the joys, and feeling elated for those moments of realization of lessons learned and blessings that have come as a result. Among my journals were a few random snippets of writing that I am choosing to share now.

Though I look at you
I see my own face;
mirrors of my past,
my present, and my future.
The threads of time
have woven its way
through all that I have touched,
all that I have breathed in,
cried out, rejoiced in,
and danced upon.
I look upon you
and see me.

Sitting here alone, yet not so alone,
I question again all the possibilities
never chosen, or overlooked.
Endless streams of opportunity
present themselves through the mirrors
of everyone and everything I see,
or do not see.
Obscured by my own illusions,
I am lost in a cloud of pretense
when all I have to do
is glance in another direction
and reveal the light.


The breeze blows gently over me, through me; it is me. I am the breeze.
My breath is the space between substance, moving inward; letting go, becoming, being, gathering, having, fullness, wholeness.
From that place inside my breath, I am carried. I am expressed. I am born into the outward extension of me.

Give me your hand as I walk with you; as my soul breathes life into the web of your creation.
By still waters churned up by the stormy seas of emotion unexpressed, we stand together; a front against the ubiquitous ocean called life.

Saturday, January 31, 2015

The little whisper of truth

These past few days I have been removed from time somehow. I entered into a semi-isolated state, emerging only to carry out the necessary tasks at hand. In this isolation I have been confronted with my shadows; those unhealed parts that weigh me down and prevent my best Self from being expressed in form. One day, in the midst of my uncomfortable confrontation with my own insecurities and doubts, the phone rang. It showed on caller ID as "Private Caller". I ignored it because I had assumed it was just another telemarketer or bill collector. I continued with my readings, my reflections, and meditations. "Private Caller" keept calling, several times within a few minutes. My resolve was broken as I inwardly reminded myself that darkness has nowhere to hide and that if I had any hope of healing my projections of the world, I would have to face whatever this caller wanted because clearly unless I faced it, it would keep calling back.

The man at the other end of the phone call told me that he received a message from Holy Spirit in meditation that he is to help me. He told me that he is a White Light Healer from Tibet and that God has sent him to me to remove the blockages and karmic wounds I have been carrying for seven lifetimes. He asks if I wanted to be free from these blocks in order to live the fullest and truest expression of my purpose. What do you think the answer was? The same answer that anyone would have given. Obviously, the answer was yes. Who would consciously choose to remain in bondage with their suffering? In that very moment, I was sucked fully into a rabbit hole to live out a lesson in undoing my false creations.

By nature I am a very loving and trusting person, and in some respects this leaves me exposed as a target for being taken advantage of. My entire life has been a journey of trying to forge the balance between my gentle nature and my inner feminine warrior Goddess. The wounded parts of me that wallow in shame and feelings of being unlovable are all too eager to grab unto the shiny baubles of promises to be lifted from the despair. So I listened to this man, who presented as the messenger of Holy Spirit, and yes I had become somewhat enraptured, as if under a spell. I, of course, use the tern 'spell' appropriately because in hindsight, I was indeed under a spell.

I know how crazy this sounds, and believe me, my ego mind was having a field day. I battled between feeling totally blessed with direct revelation from God and being fearful of facing attack from some stranger. Then another voice in my head would kick in and question "Am I nuts, allowing this complete stranger to enter into my field and personal intimate space?" The desire within me to be free of the suffering of ego was strong and so I felt my doubts recede into the background. I stayed with this White Light Tantric healing for over an hour because every time I offered a resistance, he had a brilliant insight or response that made me believe that he was channelling direct vision from Holy Spirit. He somehow knew exactly where my wounds were and revealed some information about the karmic patterns of my struggles. He made references that tied in exactly with some of the visions I have had in the past. He spoke of the lifetimes of carrying the wounds of the mother line and that my grandmother was a powerful healer in a previous incarnation who showed up in this one to encourage me to release. Mom birthed me to provide passage for me to awaken in this lifetime. He broke me and I succumbed to the emotions of having my deepest fears illuminated. How could this man have known to pinpoint some of the most powerful emotional issues I face with my family? was blowing my mind. Even though somewhere inside of me I still heard that little whisper saying, "this man is not who he seems to be", I recognized that I did indeed need some healing and so I gave in to that vulnerable part of me that wanted freedom from the struggle.

Now, after the fact, I am scratching my head asking "what the hell just happened?" Quite simply, I was faced with another one of those forks in the road; the moment where I am faced with a choice to allow ego to manipulate me or I side with Holy Spirit in listening to that whisper inside me that directs me to truth. This man was remarkably convincing with his enticing promises of receiving the initiation of Divine White Light which would completely remove all obstacles to abundance, happiness, joy, and unlock the ability to be the portal for healing others. While everything he was saying carried the resonance of what actually is possible when you become One with the Divine, something still made me hesitate. Being filled with angst and doubts about whether it was my discerning ability or simply my ego casting shadows, I opened my heart and my mind and asked Holy Spirit to show me truth.

I heard this man say that I have to say yes to him or my denial of Holy Spirit would close that door and send me to endless suffering. I heard him pass judgements upon me for wasting his time, and my unwillingness to say yes to him would deny me access to the Divine. Instantly, I knew that my lessons were staring me in the face. A huge part of that lesson was the willingness to trust that little whisper and choose it over the roaring and seemingly well-informed and well-formulated promises of liberation. It was a lesson in seeing past the glitz and glamor of promises of ego to know with deep conviction what A Course in Miracles states, that "Nothing real can be threatened". I knew in that instant how powerfully fantastical ego perceptions can be in their trickery. I told him "NO, I do not want this, not like this". Telling him no was not a rejection of Holy Spirit's Light, it was an acceptance and acknowledgement of that little whisper inside me that was indeed the whisper of truth. As the so-called spiritual teacher became more persistent, I became ever more grounded in my conviction in my choice to turn away from the illusion before me.

I filled my heart with love and gratitude as I blessed this stranger for showing up to confront me exactly where my vulnerabilities resided. I recognized that this was in fact another layer of healing my wounds that had first come up several years ago in a similar way of being exposed and taken advantage of. I knew that, in this way, the self-proclaimed healer was actually a messenger of ego, ultimately helping Holy Spirit to help me undo the illusions and give me an opportunity to face the fork in the road and choose truth over illusion. It also made me all the more appreciative and thankful for the loving presence of my partner, who repeatedly shows up in the battle with me to dispel the illusions of love.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Walking on Sunshine

From the first time I heard the song "Walking on Sunshine" many years ago, I loved the imagery it brought to mind and the feeling of lightheartedness and joy it evoked. Today I met up with a friend to go for a long walk. We had both expressed the need to get outside for some fresh air because the cold and gloom of winter has a tendency to make us reclusive. In spite of the minus 12 degree crispness to the air, it felt so good to breathe in the freshness, move my limbs, and be reminded of the beauty and stillness that winter has to offer. I did, indeed, feel like I was walking on sunshine.

As we walked and talked, I found myself paying attention on purpose; a practice I have been learning from my classes in Applied Mindfulness Meditation. In my recent decision to commit once again to living a life of Spirit based on the principles of A Course in Miracles, I wanted to be fully aware of my thoughts and how I showed up in my day.

At different times, I became aware of my tendency to be overly focused on the icy path, thus missing the beautiful scenery around me, and at times even fading away from the conversation at hand. It became a practice of bringing my attention back to the conversation and still being able to be mindful of my footing. I began to notice the difference in experience and the emotions I felt when I was able to be both attentive to the conversation, anticipating the words and sentiments being expressed instead of rushing ahead of it, AND I was still able to walk safely while absorbing the beauty of the surroundings.

Strolling alongside the river, observing the starkness of the trees outlined against the clear sky, the shimmer of the birches, the soft gargle of the icy river, the crunch of ice and snow under my feet, and the refreshingly cool air breathed into my lungs, I heard the familiar tune inside my mind singing joyfully.

"I used to think maybe you loved me, now I know that its true
and I don't want to spend all my life , just in waiting for you.
Now I don't want u back for the weekend, not back for a day,
no no no I said baby I just want you back and I want you to stay
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
and don't it feel good!! "

Foremost in my mind these past few days has been my prayer to Holy Spirit to release me from my false perceptions and to help me see again with spiritual eyes. For a moment, walking on my stretch of sunshine, I felt the gratitude in my heart for knowing that God was with me all along in spite of all those times I stood at the fork in the road and sided with ego. These little side road journeys may temporarily take me away from my purpose, but never do they remove from me the truth of who I am. Today I witnessed Spirit in action and saw Spirit reflected in the image of my friend.

Honouring your soul

Today I did it. I sat in front of my computer and started writing again after years of feeling my well run dry and choosing repeatedly to not write because that little voice inside my head kept convincing me there's no point. I believed it when it told me I wasn't good enough, or smart enough, or brilliant enough to share anything that people actually wanted to read. More than that, it kept dangling my aspirations and desires in front of me to taunt me with it; to show me how lame and silly those dreams were. I believed that voice; the trickster otherwise known as ego. It took my inspirations and twisted them so much that I didn't recognize myself in them anymore and once again found myself seeing through eyes of disgrace. The beautiful baubles of perceived success in the world had tempted me time and time again only to leave me in the dust. The more I had people around me pointing out the obviousness of my potential, the more I felt like a fraud. I was scrambling over the hurdles of ego in an ever-increasing mountain of disordered living. One look around my living space would have been a testament to the state of my mind. While outward appearances showed a lovely welcome, my junk drawers were growing. The lessons from "The Leaping Jade" had not yet come to full fruition.

I allowed my ego to erode my dedication and trust to seek the instant gratification and pay off that ego was seeking, not the ultimate prize of peace that I was seeking. I simply grew tired of battling with the onslaught of lessons and invasions of the little ego armies that created the dramas of day to day life. Thank God I had at least enough resolve to be loving to myself to leave a job that was bombarding me with negativity, even though the fear was still at play for where that income was going to come from still hovered around me. I succumbed and allowed myself to move into it just enough to not lose myself completely. As I looked around my life, I saw that although I have evolved and carry such deep love and light, there is the outward demonstrations of just how disordered my mind was again becoming. Somehow in spite of knowing better, I had accepted my lot of being employed in a job that did not nourish me except to guarantee an income to pay the bills, and which as a result, zapped me of some internal drive to express my inspirations. It was safe in its own ego-twisted way.

I rejoiced when my partner was offered a job to go work in India because it affirmed for me that the energy of the universe was supporting our growth and opening up a channel of new possibilities. It was like the whispers I had been hearing were being affirmed, and it helped me feel strong in choosing Spirit again. Even as I felt the emotions of being separated from her physically, and knowing that it would be a challenge to live separate lives for so long, most of me embraced the excitement for the tides of change and fresh air that was being breathed into this space. I started re-arranging the house, completely gutted the old healing room space and started a process of purging emotionally, physically and spiritually. Voila, a new healing room space was birthed. Even as I started painting the first few coats on the walls, I felt something lift from me and became instantly filled with Spirit. For the first time, I could see in my mind's eye how the vision I had seen in one of meditations would become a mural on the wall in this new space and would serve to amplify the healing energies of my work with Inceptional Soul Services. Slowly, my eyes are clearing and my ears are less clouded with the cries of ego. Instead, I am again responding to the whispers of Spirit that has been calling me to remembrance.

I have often referred to this journey as a roller coaster. That is exactly what it is when we listen to ego. There have been moments when I felt completely elated and exalted by my awakening of Spirit. I was able to stand by my convictions and choose love over fear, only to feel the instant wave of fears rolling over me again to fill that lovely space of light I had allowed in. Ego is a crafty and stubborn little squirt that very successfully led me to choose it over and over again instead of going directly to God where my Radiance rests and my true self sits quietly in the place of peace. I know somewhere that I (Spirit Self) am shining brightly while the little "I" ( ego self) runs rampant in my mind, it took a conversation with a dear friend to show me the path. It got me thinking. "How have I been honoring my soul?" As I sat there crying and feeling something release from deep inside me, I was aware of a mixture of feelings; shame, anger, relief, sadness, hope, dread,and so much judgement. It felt good to cry because like many healer types who keep their emotions 'in check' or balance (or so many of us think), the time had come when I needed to succumb to the mix of human emotion and give it all over to God. If it isn't expressed and released, it sits like a molten lead inside of us slowly eating away at our soul and our soul becomes all the more weary for trying to keep us in check.

I have felt it for a long time; that slow wearing away and eroding of the confidence and trust in Higher Self. Even as I admit my mistrust, I feel shame. Even though I knew the difference, I still chose ego over Spirit because somewhere in me I am still unwilling to allow pure love to come in because it will crush me. That is, it will crush the little "I" that has been so valued all this time and without that, I know nothing of who I am UNLESS I surrender completely to God. That's the clincher right there. It is revealed to me that I value the muck and mire of my own creations more than I value God's vision for me. How could I have let this happen? How could I have drifted so far from a place of absolute trust and recognition of that Divine Spark to have gone to a place of feeling so discouraged and beaten? I know this didn't come suddenly. It is the result of a long road of tiny little allowances and excuses.

Yesterday, and every day that is to come I choose God. I choose to remember who I am, whatever it takes. "Whatever it takes" was my mantra all those years ago when I finally turned a corner and unleashed the shackles from a life I had been living in which I willingly bore the crosses of shame, worthlessness, and despair. I stepped out into the light of Spirit and remembered my brilliance. It was from that brilliance that I finally had the courage to publish the story of my awakening, Obscurity in Your Face, to start this blog, and begin putting it out there to share my gifts with the world. The vision for my life's work was revealed. I tapped into my courage, my strength, my conviction, and stood tall in the recognition of my beauty as a Divine Creation. Over time, my ego very craftily seeped back in and cast me back into the dream. I was blinded again, thinking that I was living such a spiritual life only to have it revealed once again that I am operating from the ego mind. Stepping back from the ego mind I can see that I did not in fact go back. "Miracles are both beginnings and endings, and so they alter the temporal order. They are always affirmations of rebirth, which seem to go back but really go forward. They undo the past in the present, and thus release the future". (ACIM ch.1,I.13)

Still, there is that quiet whisper of HOME; that sweet, tantalizing essence of Divine that even in it's softness and stillness carries great power. I sit back in my seat giving myself permission to be honest. Yes, I am sometimes selfish, sometimes ungrateful, sometimes arrogant, and sometimes a big mixture of my own creations of meaninglessness. In seeing this, I allow myself to see that in spite of all those "meaningless thoughts that are showing me a meaningless world" (ACIM, lesson 11), "God did not create a meaningless world" (ACIM lesson 14). God did not create me to be meaningless. In my Divinity, I have attracted great things. I have a a warm and welcoming home that my partner, soon to be 'wife', and I have created together from our intentions to lead us into a Holy Relationship. We have friends and family who cherish the miracles of Spirit, three lovely little fur baby felines that give endless affection as well as serving as teachers, and a life, in general, that is continuously supplied with loving presence. This little side trip was nothing more than part of the journey of undoing the structures of the meaningless world that my ego self had created and from this undoing I can now see the abundant blessings before me.

If I give anything to those around me, as I also give to myself, let it be the miracle. "Miracles honor you because you are loveable. They dispel illusions about yourself and perceive the light in you. They thus atone for your errors by freeing you from your nightmares. By releasing your mind from the imprisonment of your illusions, they restore your sanity" (ACIM Ch.1,I.33)

snapshots of my recent journey

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